Wow, this week I have let discouragement creep in from every angle.  Over coming being sick, staying on top of responsibilities at work, meeting deadlines at school and preparing to lead a training on trauma and resilience at work, I have let myself become weak.  I voiced my stress and fear to many that love me and would tell me to keep on.  One voice spoke the words that many years before her time were formed in a lesson that I did not grasp at the time.  Now the “ah ha” moment reached right in and kissed my heart and held me tight.  It was about twenty four to twenty five years ago we were at a horse show with my dad.  He was showing a young stallion for the first time for the owners.  The horse was a beautiful pure black stallion.  “Stallion”  defines the power of the animal that my dad was climbing upon.  Leg up, leg over and boom on the ground.  Leg up, leg over and  boomon the ground again.  Leg up, leg over and repeat, and repeat.  My dad was not going to quit, neither was the horse.  I can not give you an exact number of times my dad climbed up and came back down.  I do know that the last time was the time it mattered.  He stayed on.  They were both trying to wear the other one down and finally my dad was up and on and going forward.  But not without consequences.  I noticed something different as my dad was riding back in forth preparing to enter the show ring.  His pants were ripped in the crotch from front to back.  “Daddy, stop!  Your pants are ripped!  You have to change!”  “NOPE, not getting off this horse until we come out of that ring”.  The young stallion entered the show ring and without further incidents completed the class and although did not place high in the awards ceremony, his presence was noticed.  Maybe because of the beautiful animal he was, his powerful legs reaching and hoofs beating on the ground.  Or because the man on the horse was oblivious of the whispers through the crowd…”Does that man have a handkerchief in his lap?”  Whitie tighties shining bright! My father rode the horse out of the ring climb off, his choice, and popped a cigarette in his mouth and smiled that sly famous chamberlain grin.  He had always taught us to get back on the horse that threw you.  Overcome the adversity.  He also taught me that night that what was important at the moment was not the world’s perception of him, it was that he was not going to give up, he was not going to give up on the horse and to train the behavior that the horse needed to learn he gave it his all.  I thought that was the only lesson that there was in that moment.  My daughter whom I have shared many many stories of the grandfather she never knew gave me this words. I knew immediately that just like our heavenly Father, we are given lessons in life to prepare us for what is ahead.  26 years ago I held his hands as he breathed his last breath and today he is still teaching me.

ME: I’m stressed out like crazy!  SHANNON: Don’t be stressed  ME: …I’m scared I am going to fall on my face   SHANNON: it’s not guaranteed that you won’t, but if you do, do what your daddy would say, get back up and ride again, even with a rip in your pants.

The rip in my father’s pants didn’t define the person he was, he knew what he had to do for the horse to succeed.  He did not let the world define who he was, he did what he believed in.  Thrown off again and again he kept getting back up and even with the scar from being thrown off (rip) this would not stop him from completing the lesson.  So many times we are afraid of living up to the world’s standards instead of our own that we sacrifice the real lesson.  Thank you daddy for teaching me to be the sacrifice that matters in this life “I appeal to you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship” (Romans 12:1 NIV).  Thank you Shannon for the words that brought me back to get back up and ride again and ride proudly with a rip in my pants!

December 2012 was a time of struggle for me as I adjusted to different moments with my family.  Christmas has always been a time of the traditional moments that have been celebrated year after year.  The season in itself can be stressful and when there was so much change that had been going on in my life, I felt lost, alone, making the wrong decisions and I felt so very discouraged.  That Christmas not having a home of my own, it was a struggle in itself to find even the smallest remembrance of our special celebrations.  Squeezing in a few of the favorites from our menu I fixed the one recipe that grounded me “scalloped oysters”, My daddy’s favorite.  As a young girl I always swayed away from ever taking just one bite, then I became the brave soul and would eat the “scallop” part leaving the main ingredient behind.  After saying good bye to the greatest man I ever knew, I jumped right in and oysters became one of my favs!…. soooooo, scalloped oysters are on the menu Thanksgiving and Christmas.  That Christmas it was one of the moments that I felt I had to hold onto.  Since I was usually the only one that would dive into this delicacy there was always leftovers…..just for me daddy…. He would be so proud!   That year as I was eating one of the last bowls in my room alone with my faithful’s Bailey and Mason curled up beside me, I felt a crunch, well not a real crunch, but like I just bit into a rock!  I did, I did just bite into a rock, well not a rock but a pearl!  I couldn’t believe it!  I found a pearl in my oyster!  If not immediately very soon after that dawn of realization washed over me, the whisper that I have come to cherish “You are my pearl” gently brushed my ear.  Oh Lord, you know my struggles, you know my doubts, you know my failures and weaknesses and you know just how to blow all those struggles, doubts, failures and weaknesses away with just a whisper.  I had let the world slide in between the seams of my faith and allowed a rip that could only grow wider as I kept harvesting the thoughts of “ I am not _______ enough”.  “The voice you believe will determine the future you experience” Isaiah 55:1.  With his whisper I began to remember that “I am!”   “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made’ your works are wonderful I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth” Psalm 139:14-15.  I was a pearl, not just any pearl but my Father’s pearl who made me.  I cleaned the pearl up and placed it in a safe place and smiled every time I recalled that whisper, that told me to remember who “I am”.  I eventually placed it into a locket with other charms that would remind me how far I had come and how tall I could stand.  This past March I was attending Liberty for a week on campus for an intensive class and I opened the locket to shine the pearl, it would rub up against the other charms and would get a little dingy. (Wow, another thoughtful blog on that one!)  I didn’t close the locket tight enough and the only charm that fell out was the pearl……OH NO….. my heart skipped a beat……I couldn’t lose my pearl……the pearl given to me when I was at a very low point…. The pearl that made me remember “I am”…….what? The whisper?…….you have to tell others that they are my pearls too!  I didn’t even stop to look for that small white round gift of grace that I had held onto.  I smiled knowing that someone would find the pearl and would feel the same whisper that I did and they will know that they are God’s pearl, fearfully and wonderfully made and they are as “I am”.