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She is so sweet once she gets her Chocolate Milk…

This morning was one of those mornings. The mood was not bad, not good, not pleasant, not mean. It just wasn’t. Waking up as the diva climbed back into bed with me. Punching the covers up with her head until she found that perfect space to curl her soft warm body in the crook of my knee. Well, that’s helps a lot! The struggle to roll out of bed was already failing. In my head I counted the ticks of the clock , and because I am a visual person, pictured the hands of the clock as they were ticking by and as I began to tick off each thing I had to do as the minutes ticked on I had no other option but to get out of bed. Just like ripping a band aid off your boo boo, I threw the covers off and that’s when the dark decent into the lost mood began.

Routine again. Maybe if I didn’t make it routine I could find my mood. My problem solving mind tries to start up, and my not today mind shut it down, no time for that today. So Routine again. Up/out/ in 10. I look up and see the different shades of grays in the sky, a few shades of blue and fluffy whites. Kind of like my mood… it’s all there but which one has the wheel, which one will win out. Come on guys one of you has to take over.

I get a ding ding alert on my phone and it’s a morning pic of my Sweet Laurel. She is nestled in the middle of mommie’s and daddie’s bed, watching the iPad drinking her chocolate milk. Mommy says “she is sweet once she gets her chocolate milk”. Sweet Laurel at the sweet age of 18 months wakes up, and she must get her chocolate milk to be sweet? Ummmmmmm. She might be onto something.

It began to make me wonder as I continued to search the grays, whites and blues in the skies to find my mood. What was my chocolate milk? Some days I need coffee, some days not. Some days I need a ice cold coke, sometimes not. Some days I need to see pictures of any or all of my ggirls, some days (let’s be real, I will always take sweet pics of my girls!). So today what did I need. I checked in for an appointment to have the now infamous Covid 19 test, for surgery this week. I sat down and the young lady smiled, yes it was hidden behind her mask but I felt it slip out. Hmmmm, I started to feel a slight twist in my moodarator as the darker gray slipped away. I waited patiently for my name to be called, not anxiously but anxiously, you know because we know how the Covid test is performed. So the nurse walked out into the room and I saw her smile as she called my name, yes behind that mask it slipped out and the lighter gray began to diminish away in a mist. I was directed to a room where another nurse waited and as I was introduced to her, her smile radiated and covered me that I could not even remember how hard it was this morning to find my mood. Three smiles shined through the grays and through the masks and chipped away until Grace took over. Grace, shows up everyday, all day and it is found wherever we look and wherever we need. Grace is found in coffee, in an ice cold coke, pictures of your family, smiles of those who are caring for you. Grace is Gods gift of strength to us to stand through the rough. Grace is Gods love to just help us through our day. Grace is found in chocolate milk.

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SEE in 2020

“The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert: it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.  Then the angel of the Lord told her, Go back to your mistress and submit to her .  The angel added, I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count. The angel of the Lord also said to her: You are now pregnant and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery.  He will be a wild donkey of a man: his hand will be against everyone and everyone’s hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.  She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: You are the God who sees me, for she said.  I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Genesis 16:7-13)

It was the first week in December 2019, my daughter shared with me a this devotional that she found on a Bible app.  Genesis 16:7-13, Hagar meets God in the desert as she is running away.  She had found herself in a life that she saw no hope, she found herself in a life that was broken and in a world that she felt invisible.  The moment that she comes face to face with God, He SEES her.  He cares about where she is coming from and where she is going. He sees her not broken, not invisible and not hopeless.  He sees her as the woman that he created her to be. He sees her as the purpose that he created her to have.  He sees her.  He does not judge her, He hears her, He hears her story and He believes in her.  The day that my daughter and I sat over coffee in a quick grab a moment for us together, I shared something that I was struggling with and she shared this devotion and as always, the pieces snapped into the puzzle perfectly as they always do.  My tears squeezed out as her words swept up my worries and threw them away.  Once again God Sees. The name Hagar gave God, El Roi —the God who sees me—opened my eyes and I began to see.  I began my day with new insight, to see everyone and to know everyone has a story.  As the day wore on, I sat across from a client and the words given to me that morning were front and center.  I began to SEE, past the broken, past the burdens, past the struggles and I saw.  I saw not as the world has molded us to see.   I saw not as the world had molded them to be.  I saw as God wanted me to see.

As I have for at least the past several years, to become more intent in my walk with God, have chosen a word for the year.  It was not hard when I first began this.  Words like grace, priceless, still…. These simple words were power to me.  They developed deeper meaning as I attached them to the moments in my life.  From the smallest bleep to the largest life changing, these words defined more than just the happenings, it defined and deepened my relationship and walk with God.  (Insert Sigh here). A precious memory.  Now as I am faced with a new year, I began to try out words… tiny words, big words, front words, back words…. I could not put my finger on exactly what I wanted to lead me into this brand new year and my continued walk with God.   I felt that familiar tug that leads me to listen for what God wants me to hear so I search.  

 I was paying attention and reminding myself everyday to SEE.  To See everyone.  The cashier, the shopper, the worker, the boss,the mother, the father, the friend, the homeless, the neighbor.  Where are they from and where are they going?  I was seeing and I was searching for the right word.  I believe God finally gave up tugging, as I opened my planner, and the page went backwards to that day, that moment with my daughter and there it was…the word.  Sandwiched in between I and you.  I smiled and knew it was God. Of course God does not require me to have a word to guide me into the world, He has given me all His words and they are written on my heart.  I do believe that pulling this one word front and center reminds me not only to see all He wants me to see, I am reminded that He SEES me and I SEE Him. 

So there it is, I was wordless for a short two weeks in 2020… YES! God has a sense of humor…In the year 2020 my word is to SEE.    I ❤️ MY GOD.

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He heard my Cry

“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears” Psalms 18-6

My Distress… I called upon the Lord…I CALLED; I YELLED; I CRIED; I SCREAMED. I fell to my knees and raised my hands to the Lord, My God for help… He heard me as I humbled myself in sackclothe and ashes when in the final moment, flesh failed. This is where I found myself with my hands raised, knees on the floor crying out to the Lord. Literally, I laid myself against my beside and wailed to the Lord, “help me, I can’t take it anymore”.

My health had finally hit rock bottom. It was the moment. I found myself with unquenchable thirst, then unstoppable rush to the restroom. The leg cramps at night were unbearable leaving pretzels instead of legs by the time the sun rose. There was also the sweats, dizziness, weakness, fatigue and overall fog. It was at the moment that I had to leave work once again and my car veered towards the hospital instead of the path to home. I walked into the reception area and attempted through my fog to register myself. I struggled to define my actual problem and barely finished “I am having problems with breathing and …” , the triage nurse came through the door and took me back. Blood pressure soaring, mind lost and words fumbling I was taken to a bed ,as I began to list all the parts that I had that were failing. I realized at this moment that of all the body’s systems that were suppose to work together, like a fine oiled machine, not one of them knew what it was suppose to be doing. Not one of them, I began to believe was even working. I rested at least in the moment that I was in a place that hopefully I would at least be given one answer…”am I dying?”

The systems of the Emergency Department were at least working as their fine oiled machine should and the parade began. They each came in and did their part to begin to put pieces together. The Dr. appeared rather quickly and with a quick exam spouted more orders. I answered questions as I could searched each face to see if my questions could be answered. Blood was drawn, blood pressure taken again, pulse rate, doing a bit better than at first, IV fluids attached. Then one sweet woman walked in telling me that she was going to do a test that would determine my O2 levels in my blood. She looked at me sweetly and said, “so you are having some problems with your diabetes?” Ummmmm, did I have diabetes? Ummmm, I had not been told that I had diabetes. Ummmm I had been told that I needed to make some changes to prevent having diabetes. Ummmmm, “I guess I have diabetes”. She completed her tests and through the open door I recognized my Dr.’s voice on the phone getting the lab results, the phone was on speaker so I could hear the lab reading the preliminary results to him “A1C 12, BGL 540…………” did not get the whole number after hearing the five hundred part. WHAT….. I knew enough to know that what I just heard was far from good and far from normal….What seemed like just a split moment and the nurse appeared with medication to add to the IV. Insulin…. again WHAT….

The fluid began swishing through my veins and restoring what it should and could. I laid my head by on the pillow lost in the last moment. I would not let my mind go where it wanted to go and that was the what if’s. Strangely, my mind wandered to the what now. It was just the night before that I had cried out, in the anguish of my failing flesh and now I know and now I begin. I did not in that moment completely access that God was right there with me and yet my quiet spirit should have made me aware, I had cried out, He had heard me and He was now beside me each step that I would take.

With my body beginning to come back together and to work as one, my mind was full, yet quiet as I kept tight the many pieces of paper that would begin to define a new daily life. Stopping by the pharmacy to drop off the prescriptions that would keep my functions in order, we headed home. It was close to dinner time and the go to menus were the first to come to mind. It was my first thought after the moment that I knew that the menus would need to change. So it began, so it began immediately. No more, “oh I will start Monday, oh I will just celebrate one more time, oh just this once, oh it won’t matter”. It did matter and it had to matter. I made a few changes in my choices and requested a few changes in my needs as the prescriptions were picked up and the journey began. The research was easy, because we all know that our phone, computers and any other electronic device will listen in on our conversations and will suggest where to find all that was mentioned. Keto became my motto and it was as smooth as silk. I had no desire for the sweet tea that I gulped in excess everyday, no desire for the sweets, the carbs, the no no’s that were on the black list. God heard my cry and He came right in beside me and walked each step with me.

I made some major changes. I made decisions of care and found someone that would be aggressive with me and help me with better choices that led to better days. Before I knew it, the choices were not new, they were best and the body became strong again. I began to see the better days and the better tomorrows, but I kept very close in my mind the night of the moment when my flesh fell, and my spirit cried out. God heard me and He did not fail me, He came right beside me as He promises.

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4 ESV)

” O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear” .(Psalm 10:17 ESV)

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Reflections on 2019-2010

A New Year…2020… as most everyone has , I have too reflected on 2019 and realized for me it was a much greater time that needed reflection. 10 years… 2009 closed for my family and I with many different joys and challenges, achieved dreams, broken dreams new dreams promised and dreams that became nightmares. And then not too far into the New Year 2010 my world, my being, crashed and fell into many tiny pieces. Picking up each one of those pieces took time, to put them all back together took changing how they fit together, took faith, patience, falling, getting up again, trust, hope, belief, family, friends and most important God. And with most of the pieces now picked back up and together again, my world, my being is glued with Grace. At that moment it crashed, I did not ever believe that it could be so beautiful. It would be hard for me to say that I would take the same paths that I chose, for there were many and I stumbled and fell many times. But I do know that all those stumbles and falls put me in an amazing place. 2009/2010..I had two grand girls…. 2020 I have 7! Woo woo! 2009/2010 (Jan) I was a dental assistant…2020 I have my masters in counseling and love my job! 2009/2019, I was separated and terrified, 2020 I am married to an amazing man and am so very happy. 2009/2010 I hit rock bottom… by 2020 my life

Has been rebuilt for a purpose… only by Grace.. 💖

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All caps, all bold and large font. Okay, how hard is that? So raise your hand right now if you always read the instructions before use. Okay, now raise your hand if you read part of the instructions before use? Okay, now raise your hand if you read the first sentence and then say yeah I got it!

Can you think of anything that we possess that does not come with instructions? I know I am stretching this thought, but bear with me as I get where I am going. So most new parents say, I wish this baby came with instructions. A new puppy owner may say the same. Well, honestly, there are some “ instruction “ books out there that lay out what to do, when to do and why to do. Today with all knowledge at our fingertips we can seek answers and instructions on just about anything. So now I am back to my opening questions. Are you one that for somethings think, Oh I don’t need the instructions. Well……As God so often does he gently reminds me that instructions are important and in a simple moment, He is able to use my stumbles for so much awareness that it takes my breath away. So as He has encouraged me to, I must be vulnerable. Treat me kindly.

So, a friend gave me a couple of samples of a product that she endorsed, for anti-aging. Yeah I know that I have already aged and I am ok with that, but hey, I will go for it. So, the next day, so excited I pulled out the pack with all these cute little tubes that had suns and moons on them, and I remember her pointing this out to me. Of course, I barely took in what she was saying. I am a seasoned adult!. My eyes quickly scanned the first sentence for the first tube: Gently massage in circular motion, got it! UMMMMMM, ok as I dressed grabbed all my daily essentials and headed out the door, my face feels “heavy”. Well it must be the anti-aging agent with a lot of work to do!!! So when I ran into her during my day, I was proud to tell her I was trying the product and used the same phrase, “it feels heavy”. She said oh. Didn’t think another thing. All day long I kept thinking, can’t wait to get home and wash this off and put the next tube on, this really doesn’t feel that great. Finally, jumping into a hot shower…..ahhhhhh, as I had the hot steamy water running over my face I felt bubbles appearing, oh, Oh, OH!!!!! Yep as I dried off, lotioned up, dressed for bed, sat down, I read the directions!!! The last word of the first sentence that I didn’t read (because I didn’t need to, remember) was RINSE (I capped and bolded this to make the point). Then you proceed to the next tube and then the next and there are directions for each one and they all work together for the good of the person! So lets go back for just a moment so we don’t lose this: I went through out my whole day with cleanser on my face that should have been rinsed off. And I must add, I wore it proud, although it felt wrong.

Oh, that last sentence, Jesus took the keyboard….. I wore it proud, although it felt wrong. So let me pull that new parent back in, did the baby come with instructions. Well, yes. We have been given instructions on how to live our entire life. Have we read all instructions, well maybe. Are we as professed Christians pulling the first sentence of a particular part and wearing it proudly because the instructions said this, but we didn’t include the last word or the next sentence? Are we reading the first sentence: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth” (Genesis 1:1, NLT) and the last sentence: “May the Grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s holy people” (Revelations 22:21, NLT). There is a whole lot of uh oh and ok and well,I didn’t know that and wow, that makes sense, if we fail to read the all of the instructions! There are all kinds of do’s, don’t’s, examples and “instructions” in between those two verses. So often we try and just pull one thought out that applies to us right at that moment in our life. Unless we add the before and the after or the next or the last we get lost and miss the whole. Maybe if we skim through and get the middle of the instructions are we able to reap the benefits? Google says that Psalm 103:1,2 (KJV) is the middle verse of the Bible “Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits”. I must note here that since there are many interpretations of the Bible this middle verse can be different. So as I look at this book of instructions, I see the beginning, who created me, I see the end that God’s Grace is given to me and the middle, not to forget his benefits on me. What are all his benefits on me? Hey, I guess I should read the whole in between and from the first and the last. God’s mercy and grace is so untwined into the instructions for our life “All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). “Teach me, and I will be silent: And show me how I have erred.” (Job 6:24). (Topical Bible) I know that some may argue with me if the Bible is an instruction book, as for me, yeah I believe it is and for me, I need every word in my life. As I walked through my day with soap on my face and remember “felt so proud”, I was reminded by God’s nudging that I was about to miss the whole benefit, because I did not read the instructions. Oh, I can live without an anti aging face, yes, I am one that will say I have earned every wrinkle, dark spot and blemish, but to live without all of God’s grace that He has for me would be so very…. Not even a word that could capture that thought. And I challenged myself, what am I wearing proud? To wear God’s Grace is to tuck it into every bit of my life that He has given me, and it is tucked into every word from beginning to end. No more just skimming for me! (But I did have a clean face 😳) #stopwastinggrace , #readtheinstructions , #Godsgraceoverflows , #dontforgetthebenefits

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“Idon’t, Iwon’t, Ican’t“…

Stop wasting grace journey update……so in Feb i started this journey. Because, neither me or my trainer wanted to test our crisis responses, we waited until I had my physical…well that went well, with just a few additional follow ups, then Nana mode became more important so another week, before i really started sessions with her. She had me doing some 30 min twice a week at least and had me start on the nutrition part. Well, both were come and go, however I am proud to say, NO SWEET TEA since 2/1/19! and maybe one 8 oz of soft drink since 2/1/19!! I will wait while everyone stops cheering… oh was that just me? I believe that alone has just changed so much in my body. I did follow the nutrition for the most part, with some ups and downs. For Feb, since I really was on stall, (except for the sugar) I gave myself a lot of pardons. So March roars in and 3/1/19 began the real push. I have had two really good workout sessions. I am pushing myself to find the time during the day to get out and walk whenever I can and nutrition, well, I am following the guidelines but I am not eating enough. Really? Yes Really. First its figuring out what I can grab and go, the thoughts of what I have in my refrigerator or cabinets don’t really sound great at 6:30 am. And then its, what drive thru will offer good choices. Then dinner, nope, I am officially debriefing from my day, I would rather not eat, then have to cook and I am on point on what’s legal to eat. Yea, Yea, Yea… I know food prep, done it, can do it, don’t want to do it (except when it was for my baby girl getting ready for baby Collins). So this Friday I whined like the biggest baby there is to my trainer. “I don’t want carrots and celery, I don’t want to fix dinner, I don’t want to give up my Sunday to cook all day”. God Bless her… she said ok and made notes in her notebook. As I took my sweaty body and hair to my hair appointment (Sorry Jennifer!). I had the time to think. Boy was I ashamed! You know how you relax as your head is being shampooed by someone else and then they comb, cut, blow dry….. ahhhhh. Nope not today, God gently tilted my chin up and without the whisper I usually get, He let me just soak myself in and it was not so pretty. The first thought…YOU…`made this commitment. If not YOU, then WHO. I felt gut punched by every “I don’t or I can’t” that I had uttered that morning. I spent the rest of the day, scanning through cookbooks, Pinterest, the list she sent me, scribbling, scratching out and ripping up lists to start another. By 9 pm, Walmart had its marching orders and I had a week planned! I realized that my first stumble is….getting out to shop for groceries… that was fixed quick! Sure not going to order,pay and then stay away, letting go of this week’s grocery fund. I was committed to picking up my good, clean, fresh food. Natalie being here, got me excited about crafting and that scared me that I would decide not to eat lunch and then not fix and eat a healthy dinner. Well, I stayed committed. My can’t (which is really I won’t, I don’t want to) turned into I did!!! Made a beautiful Deep Dish Pizza Casserole! Delicious! Legal and fresh!!! Phillip was right on board too. Of course he got two helpings to my one. But it was just right… Goldilocks. In that moment on Friday examining myself, while I at least had clean hair… without the whisper…God got me right back on track…

“So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.” (Philippians 13:15-16) MSG.

Yes, I have Sunday to get up and get on the right track and get it done. Food prep ready, and why am I going to? Because I can, because I want to, because I will and because if not me then who?

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Don’t Dismiss, Don’t Condemn

That makes me so mad, I am going do something about it. He did what!!!! I am going to make a stand. Oh my goodness, that is horrible, he is a horrible person. These are just a few of the things that I can remember saying about the behaviors and actions of others that I did not agree with. And of course MY opinion was the only right one. I start this post off acknowledging that yes!, I am guilty of everything that I am about to spew all over this page. I knew I have been guilty and I know that I have wrestled with this for a while however I could never really understand the tickle in my heart and mind every time that I would want to voice my opinion. Until this past week, when God decided to really show me…..

So, I despise injustice. I despise those that think their opinion is the only one and anything that does not fit with theirs is pure evil, they hate, they judge, they condemn and worse they hide behind, God and the Bible. Leaders in churches, Pastors of their flocks, fathers, mothers, friends and strangers. Footnote here (I deleted the work despise, several times and then I had to leave it, because God is working hard on me and I have to own it). There has never been a time that I can remember where the good, the bad and the ugly is front and center in everyone’s lives. Their mistakes, their thoughts and their actions are open for everyone to tell them what they think. I am only going to add that this includes the actions of our government on all levels as well because it has opened the flood gates on this subject. So I have wrestled with this for a while. How can we as professing Christians acknowledge sin that we see in the world, that has been acknowledged by God as sin and remain faithful in our own walk with Him? Well, now I know…

I had heard that someone was treated badly and it broke my heart when I heard the story. I wrestled and wrestled with what I needed to do or say. It was wrong, this was a Christian who did this. My mind was made up, I was going to say something. Thank goodness for the internet. I googled and BAM, there the person was and to beat it all there was a way to contact this person. Okay, I was now running late for an appointment so I will arrange the words in my mind and save the world from all injustice later. I took the time while I was at my appointment to do this when someone walked in. Ummmmm, where have I seen that face before? Oh yeah. WHAT!!! The very person that I was going to give it to was right there beside me! Never, ever did I know or see this person before. And God delivered them right to me! Well, of course I am to open that can of ………… on them now! God is telling me yep girl go get ’em!. Well, for some reason a greater power began to take over and I just let it simmer for a while longer. I got out of there and I went straight to my back up, my daughter and spewed out the whole situation. I was so ready for her to agree and even jump on the horse behind me. She looked at me and said, maybe you aren’t suppose to confront them and then the words rolled out of my mouth before she could finish, (we are like that, we really can finish each other’s thoughts.) I need to support the harmed with love and pray for the ones that did the harm. That is the seed that had been planted and has been trying to push through all the dirt in my heart to grow up and out into the world around me. I started writing this blog in my head right away, but there was also something in the back of my mind that was still tugging at me. God had spoken to me in a big way and I now needed His words to stand on. So I began digging, I didn’t have to dig very hard, because you know what, when God speaks he opens a lot of doors.

As Jesus’ hands and feet were nailed to the cross and He was left to die he cried out “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” Luke 23:34. How do we even let our poor petty opinions of right and wrong even spill out of our minds, heart and mouth when the very one who redeemed us was able to ask for forgiveness for the very ones who killed Him? I am so ashamed. But yes, there are so many sins in this world that as a Christian we should not agree with, how do we seek justice against the injustice? Well, as a Christian it is not our’s to seek the justice, it is only for God to do. “There is only one lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?” James 4: 12. Who do we want to be when we take this upon ourselves to condemn? The Pharisees who brought the woman to be judged for her sin to Jesus? Or Jesus’s response “When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” John 8:1-8.

I now have once again have heard God’s whispers and allowed Him to speak through my perspective of my duty in the injustices of this world and those around me, so that He may more perfectly care for those who are broken, hurt, lost, hopeless and yes He will use me as His hands, feet and to say His words as He would have them said instead of my hateful, harmful and wasteful words would be. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” Ephesians 4:29. I learned a big, big, lesson…. I won’t dismiss the sin, and I won’t condemn the sinner, for if I condemn, then I have only picked up the stone they threw and threw it back.

At the finial time of this writing, an even bigger revelation came about…. as I breath a quiet Praise to the one who saves and destroys… the injustice was fixed and that world is back in order. God you are amazing!

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Stop Wasting Grace Journey

Stop wasting the Grace

grace noun

\ ˈgrās \Definition of grace (Entry 1 of 2)

1a : unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance

2019 was born and I was challenged to find a word that would be imprinted on my heart for the year. The year of January came in and ended (I say year because January seemed like it went on and on) and so many words had been thought upon and none would fit. February opened its door and there God threw the word right into my mouth and it rolled out and woke me up. I was meeting with a personal trainer and nutritionist and as I was spilling the good, the bad and the ugly, since 2010, I realized that I have been wasting my Grace. After our meeting, God had a little meeting with me.

As a child, one of my favorite times was when we would visit family. I remember day dreaming as I looked out the window of the fun we would have and the loving arms and home that would surround me. Watching for the familiar landmarks to gauge on the “are we there yet”meter, I would see Cumberland Gap and yes I would know we were almost at my aunt Sue’s house. Pineville, KY, a small town squeezed in between the mountains, known for several attractions and is home to one of my childhood fascinations, Hanging Rock.

Being the small town below a giant boulder that was not too secure, I am sure the town called a meeting to discuss the best way to protect their town and hey throw a tourism nugget in as well. So this giant chain became the town’s saving grace. I thought of this as I was thinking about my journey to date. January 26,2010 the chain broke in my life and the boulder roared down through the mountain to crash into my already unstable life. Grace covered me as the boulder crashed into many pieces all around me. My journey began like a baby colt learning to use their wobbly legs for the first time. I began the journey to stand tall. Now as 2019 rolled in, I found that through that journey, I focused on just standing. I was wasting my Grace. As that word rolled out of my mouth in that phrase, I heard God whisper, as I love him to do, “you took care of your mind and heart, now take care of your body”. I am in the worse physical shape I have ever been, a horrendous diet, no activity, aches and pains that I ignore, physical symptoms that may be a calling card to something underlying and I push it all under the rug, because I am alive, happy and blessed. And then BAM, God does it again and brings my focus about face. So I am making some difficult decisions, the Stop wasting Grace Journey.

1. Get vulnerable

2. Get Help

3. Get going

Three simple steps for the low price of $9.99, money back guarantee, no questions asked. Anyone that knows me knows that the first two steps will be my hardest. I never ask for help and to really get this done I have to quit hiding and be split wide open so that it is all out there. So here I go. I am not fine, I am overweight and am a couch potato. I love my life, my family, friends and most important of all I love my God. I am blessed…

X Six and one on the way…….

Stop Wasting Grace Journey starts now.

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Get back on the horse and ride on: even with a rip in your pants!

Wow, this week I have let discouragement creep in from every angle.  Over coming being sick, staying on top of responsibilities at work, meeting deadlines at school and preparing to lead a training on trauma and resilience at work, I have let myself become weak.  I voiced my stress and fear to many that love me and would tell me to keep on.  One voice spoke the words that many years before her time were formed in a lesson that I did not grasp at the time.  Now the “ah ha” moment reached right in and kissed my heart and held me tight.  It was about twenty four to twenty five years ago we were at a horse show with my dad.  He was showing a young stallion for the first time for the owners.  The horse was a beautiful pure black stallion.  “Stallion”  defines the power of the animal that my dad was climbing upon.  Leg up, leg over and boom on the ground.  Leg up, leg over and  boomon the ground again.  Leg up, leg over and repeat, and repeat.  My dad was not going to quit, neither was the horse.  I can not give you an exact number of times my dad climbed up and came back down.  I do know that the last time was the time it mattered.  He stayed on.  They were both trying to wear the other one down and finally my dad was up and on and going forward.  But not without consequences.  I noticed something different as my dad was riding back in forth preparing to enter the show ring.  His pants were ripped in the crotch from front to back.  “Daddy, stop!  Your pants are ripped!  You have to change!”  “NOPE, not getting off this horse until we come out of that ring”.  The young stallion entered the show ring and without further incidents completed the class and although did not place high in the awards ceremony, his presence was noticed.  Maybe because of the beautiful animal he was, his powerful legs reaching and hoofs beating on the ground.  Or because the man on the horse was oblivious of the whispers through the crowd…”Does that man have a handkerchief in his lap?”  Whitie tighties shining bright! My father rode the horse out of the ring climb off, his choice, and popped a cigarette in his mouth and smiled that sly famous chamberlain grin.  He had always taught us to get back on the horse that threw you.  Overcome the adversity.  He also taught me that night that what was important at the moment was not the world’s perception of him, it was that he was not going to give up, he was not going to give up on the horse and to train the behavior that the horse needed to learn he gave it his all.  I thought that was the only lesson that there was in that moment.  My daughter whom I have shared many many stories of the grandfather she never knew gave me this words. I knew immediately that just like our heavenly Father, we are given lessons in life to prepare us for what is ahead.  26 years ago I held his hands as he breathed his last breath and today he is still teaching me.

ME: I’m stressed out like crazy!  SHANNON: Don’t be stressed  ME: …I’m scared I am going to fall on my face   SHANNON: it’s not guaranteed that you won’t, but if you do, do what your daddy would say, get back up and ride again, even with a rip in your pants.

The rip in my father’s pants didn’t define the person he was, he knew what he had to do for the horse to succeed.  He did not let the world define who he was, he did what he believed in.  Thrown off again and again he kept getting back up and even with the scar from being thrown off (rip) this would not stop him from completing the lesson.  So many times we are afraid of living up to the world’s standards instead of our own that we sacrifice the real lesson.  Thank you daddy for teaching me to be the sacrifice that matters in this life “I appeal to you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship” (Romans 12:1 NIV).  Thank you Shannon for the words that brought me back to get back up and ride again and ride proudly with a rip in my pants!