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SEE in 2020

“The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert: it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.  Then the angel of the Lord told her, Go back to your mistress and submit to her .  The angel added, I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count. The angel of the Lord also said to her: You are now pregnant and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery.  He will be a wild donkey of a man: his hand will be against everyone and everyone’s hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.  She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: You are the God who sees me, for she said.  I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Genesis 16:7-13)

It was the first week in December 2019, my daughter shared with me a this devotional that she found on a Bible app.  Genesis 16:7-13, Hagar meets God in the desert as she is running away.  She had found herself in a life that she saw no hope, she found herself in a life that was broken and in a world that she felt invisible.  The moment that she comes face to face with God, He SEES her.  He cares about where she is coming from and where she is going. He sees her not broken, not invisible and not hopeless.  He sees her as the woman that he created her to be. He sees her as the purpose that he created her to have.  He sees her.  He does not judge her, He hears her, He hears her story and He believes in her.  The day that my daughter and I sat over coffee in a quick grab a moment for us together, I shared something that I was struggling with and she shared this devotion and as always, the pieces snapped into the puzzle perfectly as they always do.  My tears squeezed out as her words swept up my worries and threw them away.  Once again God Sees. The name Hagar gave God, El Roi —the God who sees me—opened my eyes and I began to see.  I began my day with new insight, to see everyone and to know everyone has a story.  As the day wore on, I sat across from a client and the words given to me that morning were front and center.  I began to SEE, past the broken, past the burdens, past the struggles and I saw.  I saw not as the world has molded us to see.   I saw not as the world had molded them to be.  I saw as God wanted me to see.

As I have for at least the past several years, to become more intent in my walk with God, have chosen a word for the year.  It was not hard when I first began this.  Words like grace, priceless, still…. These simple words were power to me.  They developed deeper meaning as I attached them to the moments in my life.  From the smallest bleep to the largest life changing, these words defined more than just the happenings, it defined and deepened my relationship and walk with God.  (Insert Sigh here). A precious memory.  Now as I am faced with a new year, I began to try out words… tiny words, big words, front words, back words…. I could not put my finger on exactly what I wanted to lead me into this brand new year and my continued walk with God.   I felt that familiar tug that leads me to listen for what God wants me to hear so I search.  

 I was paying attention and reminding myself everyday to SEE.  To See everyone.  The cashier, the shopper, the worker, the boss,the mother, the father, the friend, the homeless, the neighbor.  Where are they from and where are they going?  I was seeing and I was searching for the right word.  I believe God finally gave up tugging, as I opened my planner, and the page went backwards to that day, that moment with my daughter and there it was…the word.  Sandwiched in between I and you.  I smiled and knew it was God. Of course God does not require me to have a word to guide me into the world, He has given me all His words and they are written on my heart.  I do believe that pulling this one word front and center reminds me not only to see all He wants me to see, I am reminded that He SEES me and I SEE Him. 

So there it is, I was wordless for a short two weeks in 2020… YES! God has a sense of humor…In the year 2020 my word is to SEE.    I ❤️ MY GOD.

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The day I learned to Stand Tall

The light snow was swirling through the air on this day in 2010. The air had a bite that chilled a body and was crisp enough to make you wrap your coat tighter. Two hours was all that was left of that work day. As the patient care become closer to being complete, I had noticed that the back door of the office had opened and as I glanced around I felt the chill from outside creep in and felt the bite of fear. Curt, my estranged husband and whom had a protective order for previous threats against me walked down the hall and he stood there with a stare that sent the message that there was more going on than we knew. I excused myself after he walked away and without him seeing me asked the others in the office to call the police. I spoke with the Dr. and told him that there was reason to be alarmed that he was there, he told me to do what I had to do and went back to the patient. The others were unsure how or what to do so I went into the conference room, closed the door and on my personal phone called the police. I was giving the dispatcher all the information when the door opened and there he stood. He walked into the room closed the door looked at me and at that time, the time it took him to pull a gun out, barracde the door and tell me he was not going to let this happen, seemed like an instant. I can recall that I screamed he has a gun, dropped my phone and lunged towards him. I knew that I had to get control, I held tight and pushed the barrell as hard as I could towards the floor. The thought of keeping us all alive was all I had on my mind. We fought and as I held on as tight as I could begging for him to think about what he was doing, the gun fired. I felt the blast in my abdomin and told myself that I could not think about that now, that I had to continue to fight. The struggle continued until I finally had control of the gun and begged for the police to break in. I had to knock the chair away and then they were able to come in and take control of him. From that point on my mind was swirling like the snow. I saw faces and heard voices. I felt lost and felt saved. I shook from fear and shook from the chill. My life in an instant was forever changed and at that instant I did not realize how much. The bullet pierced two layers of clothing but did not touch my body. My God had placed his armour on me that day without me even asking him to. I was knocked down and just as I started to get up again in three days I was knocked down again. I was fired from my position that I had held for ten years. An unknown enemy had crept in where I felt safe and secure. How much further down could I go? I was told that I was not the only victim that day and that the trust had been broken. Today I see that those words were a gift and the beginning of my healing. I was a victim in that instant, yet after that instant I became a survivor. I placed my hand in the hand that was outstretched to help me up. I grabbed ahold and as each day passed, some days slow, some days fast, some days dark, some days darker and some days that felt that I would never again know how to feel safe, secure, confident and have hope in tomorrow, I held tight and stood up to become taller and taller. Today as I continue to hold tight to God’s hand and all the hands that he has given me to hold on to, I am climbing each mountain that is in front of me, I am busting through the walls that were being built around me by the enemies of my dreams, I am stumbling yet not falling and I am seeing now How Tall I Can Stand.